33 days and feeling the flatline
It does feel like any desire to actually PMO has been erased from my brain. I’ve spent so long feeling the pain of going back and forward back and forward for so long and I’m sick of it.
I’m kind of left with kind of existential dread at the thought of even using PMO ever again, which is a good thing. It’s so self-evident to me that PMO has no benefits whatsoever to me, never did, never will. Any thought of using it on any level is profoundly incorrect, damaging to my psychology and will cause me to relapse into another long lasting depressive mental state.
The depression in my mental state in the past was profound just because I felt like I had no control over my actions, that I was controlled and not in charge. I regretted every single session the entire time. Yet I continued to do it.
I know that going back in any way is a guaranteed major, major regret. I will 100% regret that decision. I will not enjoy that session. I will set my recovery back. I will end up in the exact same position as I am right now - trying to defeat the porn addiction once and for all. And I am so tired of fucking my brain up with that back and forward nonsense.
So what if, I just never let it be the turn of the porn addiction to come back. The whole thing is just gone forever. I don’t have to be someone who looks at porn on any level, has any desire to ever watch it again. I’ve inflicted the equivalent of an axe wound to my brain over the years, and every session is like grabbing my brain and opening it up a bit more, letting some more blood pour out for no reason at all.
Why the fuck did I do that to myself, for so long. It’s stupid, the whole thing.
The old me dying is uncomfortable but necessary
It honestly feels like some days I’m going insane. Because I am used to certain cycles surrounding my porn use. You know, usually by now I relapse. That’s what I’ve always done. Right?
Not anymore. I just fucking hate this fucking shit so much. I want it gone, cast into the ether forever to never ever come back. I feel like I honestly have largely achieved that. I genuinely do not have any desire to watch pornography. I feel like I can feel the consequences too strongly.
But… I do feel like something is missing. It’s a little bit like I have killed the old person I used to be, and a new person is forming in its place. This is kind of uncomfortable.
I’ve been used to a type of depressed mental state for so long that change is uncomfortable. We become used to the way we feel the whole time. Since that is now finally changing, permanently, it is disorientating. It feels like I have lost control of my mind, and I am going to continually feel more and more different to who I was before. This is really profound. It does feel like an extended release of a high moment on LSD. But LSD wears off, and then I go back to the old, depressive state of being. Starting to become high on life is permanent, if I let it. It sounds dumb but it’s scary, knowing that reality as I knew it for so long will never be like that, in the same way ever again.