The Goal is to Not Need a Blog

How long can someone write about one thing over and over again? Until the behaviour sinks in dummy

I quit my job

Working from home was making me really depressed. It was really isolating being on my team and not seeing any faces. I’m going to move a to a city and actually speak with people irl to do my job moving forward.

So like I haven’t slept properly for over a month, and only just now as of quitting my job and not having to wake up at 9am is my sleep getting much better. The timings are still 100% fucked obviously, but at least I am getting all the sleep I need.

Hypersensitisation returns

My #1 big goal for this period of being unemployed is not to sink back into bad habits.

I have been PMOing every 2-3 days, rather than the daily that I used to do at the height of my addiction. This is a great improvement. However, this has been often enough for hypersensitisation to return on some level. I am now ''''enjoying'''' porn more than I used to. And getting more brain fog too. I think the amount of ''''enjoyment'''' someone gets is like correlated with how much it fucks your brain honestly. Relapsing in the past when I wasn’t as sensitised didn’t bring as many problems as I’m going through now.

Still need to get rid of this 100% and move on with my life. I’m still living my life in a lower state of conciousness compared to what it could be if I was completely clean. That would be awesome.

Haven’t vaped in two weeks.

Writing the blog is useful

I can’t lie and say I’m someone who doesn’t need to stay focused on this goal. If I let the autopilot take over it tends to win, and then I end up with massive brain fog, depressive thoughts and the inability to talk to people. Which is fucking shit.

It’s like some weird ‘experiment’ I put myself through. So I kind of went back to the life of a porn addict for the past two weeks. I now feel worse and more shitty. The sensitisation came back and I actually started ''''enjoying'''' the habit more again. It just goes to show how transparently manipulative and addictive the whole thing is. It really is just your brain adapting to stimuli and then getting hooked.

Ok fine expect more blog entries

This is the third month of this site being around in some way. I made it to beat my really annoying lifelong porn addiction. Writing the blog has been really useful. I’m only embarassing myself in front of anonymous internet strangers thankfully.

The goal is one day to be completely rid of this, and then it wouldn’t even matter who read the blog. The blog would be a time capsule of all the bad things I used to do, and that I quit to move forward in my life in a positive way.

Or maybe it just turns into a general blog where I can just poop out my thoughts and feelings on a wide range of topics. I’m not sure yet.