Snowdin Shop Genocide
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The current status of porn-free 2024
You can probably guess it isn’t going amazing at this moment.
Porn-free 2024 broke on the 16th of this month. Then again two days later. Then twice in one day two days later. Three days later, I am awake at 5am in the morning on a worknight, knowing I won’t be productive at all and probably have to take another suspicious, out of nowhere day off. This was fueled by copious amounts of vape and porn.
Mild depression
It’s not fullthroated depression. But for this blog post I’m going to revel in the misery. I can change this. I can talk about changing things. But I’ll just revel in the misery.
I work entirely remotely. Aside from meeting friends I don’t really leave the house. I have not been leaving the house and connecting with the world mostly since the start of covid.
Two weeks ago I had upside-down sleep patterns that I tried to fix with a shitton of caffeine. This led me to feeling like I was dying. The only reason my sleep patterns were messed up in the first place is due to nicotine not letting me sleep properly.
This is contributing to a really bad sense of self.
Permanent damage
My lungs are likely accumulating permanent damage from vaping all the time. I’ve been getting through one 600 puff disposable a day, and yesterday I got through two. It’s fucking expensive. For my lungs, for my mental health and my wallet combined. This isn’t an enjoyable activity. It truly is just to get rid of withdrawals and feel ‘normal’.
Having bad sleep patterns can manifest in very serious health consequences later down the line. This is like invisible damage. But it is very real. My cardiovascular system is probably fucked on some level. I already have a risk factor for stroke and I’m doing myself anti-favours.
Where’s the actual enjoyment in any of these activities. It’s like I’m staving off withdrawals of some substance all of the time.
Porn
When I vape my inhibitions for things like porn disappear and I’m back to doing the stupid shit. The good news is I’m still really desensitised from porn, and the frequent multi-day breaks keep that in check. It used to be once a day for months and months. This was the pattern for many many years of my life.
Now if I’m in a relapse cycle it will last for a week, spaced out with at least two days inbetween, and then I inevitably wisen up, write a blog post, and take it another one or two weeks porn-free. So that is good positive progress.
Today’s moment of clarity
I was vaping and watching porn in a hedonistic ritual for 2-3 hours. At exactly 5am, just as I’m about to finish, I stop and take a look out of the window to the left of me and question what the actual hell I’m doing. I have work tomorrow. I’ve literally done this exact activity three days ago, and regretted it like fuck. I felt like pure shit the day after. It ruined my weekend to some extent. It further messed up my sleep patterns.
I took the vape to the black bin outside like I was possessed and dumped it in the trash.
I started the computer and started writing this blog post.
The evil three: pornography, nicotine, caffeine
Pornography
See The Pornography Tax, The Melodrama, or pretty much any of this blog.
Nicotine
The one with the most physical health consequences. The most expensive one, potentially in terms of health and money. Nicotine catalyses other bad habits and seems to take a while to overcome withdrawals to.
I never vaped in my life until May last year. Fucking hell does time move fucking quick. I’m completely desensitised to the euphoria that vaping used to give me. I don’t really feel anything except energy and some anxiety. And horrific sleep pattern disruption.
Caffeine
I saved the best for last. You know you get used to all substances the longer and more frequently you take them. With porn I become numb to the world, can barely talk properly and anxious. With nicotine I get bad sleep problems and anxiety, and constant cravings for more.
With caffeine I feel like I’m fucking dying. Not at first, on the first day I take it. Not even in a week. Around the two week mark of drinking around 2-3 cups a day, my anxiety levels go through the absolute fucking roof and ambulances get called (true story).
This is the easiest to avoid out of the three by this point. I had my worst run in with this stupid substance two weeks ago. This shit is never ever worth it, ever. At least for me. I used to drink decaf all the time, no more. Anything but this fucking shit. None in my soft drinks, no coffee, no caffeinated teas. None of this fucking shit. Out with it. I’m traumatised by this substance.
I keep relearning the same lessons
I’m not quite sure how many more bad expriences I have to have with porn, nicotine and caffeine before I get the message. All of this shit is really bad for me and messes with me in profound, deep ways.
It’s not like all vices are equal anyway.
The benign two bad habits: gaming and fast food
I play a lot of Apex Legends at the moment. I think it’s like first-person shooter chess, where you have to keep track of all the variables on the board. It’s really fun. Maybe I should min-max my life to be more mobile and stuff but as it is it’s ok for now. I usually get bored of this game and come back and forth to it. If I’m not playing a game I’m usually watching youtube, which can be considered worse.
I eat fast food every two or three days, kind of an expensive habit that isn’t healthy. It does more invisible damage to my body. But it doesn’t produce profound somewhat immediate psychological consequences.
The goal of this blog is not to need this blog
I’ve thought about how much failure I write about in this blog sometimes. Of course failure often precedes success, this is good. But, the blog essentially paints a weak picture of myself.
Ideally, I fix myself up and this blog serves as a memento of worse times, maybe I even convert the blog into a general blog.
There’s only so many times you can write ‘I looked at porn again’ on a blog dedicated to quitting porn before looking like a total retard. At least that’s my perception of things.
And there’s only so many times you can look at porn after having a stated intention to quit before feeling like a retard on some level. But the main thing is I’m trying to dig myself out of this stupid hole, unlike most of my life. So that’s good I suppose.
I was crying several times as I wrote this blog
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